CAPSULE: xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017, Dir. D. J. Caruso)

On being invited to a preview screening of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage I promptly realised that other than a few mental impressions formed by movie posters and trailers, I had absolutely no idea who Xander Cage was or why his return was at all important. Industrious critic that I am, I procured a copy of the two previous installments of the franchise and almost immediately regretted my actions.

Loose is only the beginning when discussing these films. Action sequences associated to each other by the whiff of a narrative and characters that are only differentiated by their physical appearance and whatever extreme skill they've managed to pick up in their barely imagined lives.

Starting from a low base, it has been a downward trajectory, one that xXx: The Return of Xander Cage almost sets into an out and out tailspin.

For those of you that aren't fifteen year old boys and who might have fifteen year old boys who are desperate to experience this "film", I'll outline the few positive points (and there are only a few - the film proudly advertises the fact that there is an on-ocean motorbike chase, ffs, and that is not even its most egregious attack on the laws of physics):

1. The cast is impressively diverse - a heartening byproduct of the Chinese co-production. Strong (if scantily clad) women and more than one Asian man are in the mix. It would have been a blast if the fifteen year old boys who "wrote" the thing had ever listened to anyone actually talk.

2. The film knows how shit it is. Toni Collette can barely keep from laughing in her scenes. Samuel L. Jackson is chews through his opening with ridiculous relish. And Diesel has so much pussy thrown at him that it has to be a parody.

Actually, that's all I've got.

Heaven help you.

★☆

Trailer: